After we get married, start our family, and move away, we loose touch with the rest of our family and friends. I know we did. Having kids changes everything. Having children with special needs changes thing even more. Your twice as busy, with appointments, agencies, therapy, etc. The real issue is though, you go to family functions and well, when your child has a behavior and cant help it as he is having a sensory overload, and that some of your family gives you the look, or tries to give advice. Well you end up leaving, feeling like you don’t belong, sad and mad, Barry and I felt that so many times, so we thought the best was to just quit going. This again is lack of knowledge on others parts, and not wanting to “cause” a scene and hurting others. I use to get very angry and well I will admit I have a mouth and can fly off. And I did not want to do that, so the best was…stay home.. Looking back now I wish I had done things differently, we had children young which was a good plan as I could not have done what I all did now. Now that I am older, I wish I would have explained things more, but you get hurt and think screw it, I am so tired of it . Its sad as then you grow away from family and friends and loose touch.
Don’t let that happen to you. You need to stand up for your children and explain to people why things happen. We thought that by doing this we were saving ourselves from the hurt and sadness for ourselves and our children. We all want to be accepted, and in order for this you need to educate people about the disabilities your children might have. Only then can people learn to accept what its all about. And well if they don’t, oh well then you move on and forget about those who are that way. Life for sure is a journey and its your attitude that helps make that journey special. I know that back then I told my Mom, I am NEVER going to a family function again, it hurts that my own family are giving me the looks and talking about us, I told her I was done with it. Well if I would have just not gotten so angry (I was angry because I was very hurt) and just maybe explained it thinks might have been different, even got up in front of all the family and did a presentation on Autism and helped them to understand, (that family function is big with alot of people). Back then I was to quick to get pissed off…LOL.. its amazing what age can do.
I actually did do a presentation at my church with our ladies group, I talked about the boys and there birth, the struggles and the diagnosis, and answered questions anyone may have had, I was so nervous when I did it BUT I did and it helped alot, it helped people to understand Autism and why the children act or do the things they do. Also back then I did not know all I know now :). we were excepted in our church with open arms, people understood and took the time to help and to ask if they did not know. It was so awesome and I miss that, they were all like family to me 🙂
My advice is to don’t give up and explain to people why this happens, it might save you from feeling that your not welcomed into your family, or that your family does not love or respect you anymore. People do not realize what a look or a few words can do to someone, especially when they deal with a lot in life and are looking for acceptance.
I firmly believe that educating people is the way, so then no one feels hurt and not accepted.
I will tell you that well sometimes confronting does not work, as I did finally write and e-mail to a cousin of mine, with something that had happened at the last family function we went too and the way he acted. Me having my own physical disabilities I am sometimes up late or cant sleep because of pain. Well I told him what he did and how much that effected my son and made him feel and how it made me feel, I got it all off my chest. His e-mail back to me was so socking and hurtful. He told me that I had the symptoms of an alcoholic, I read this and was like WTH, I started to cry and so many things when through my mind, I am on medication, I have chronic pain, I don’t need alcohol, I am so NOT an alcoholic. why would you say that? what gives you the right to judge me this way? I was so upset, hurt and angry with this response I thought Well I let it go..but it did bother me, so finally I called my Mom and shared with her my e-mail and his response, She was floored at what was said, she was so upset and wanted to tear a strip off of this family member, and I know I did nothing wrong but share how I felt, but to be told that I was an Alcoholic when in fact this cousin does not know me that well, was very very hurtful. Just because there are others in our family that are, you should NEVER EVER judge someone else by past experiences. Like really, this is when I so want to tell someone come walk a mile in my shoes and see what my life is all about.
This is when you need to let it go and move on, if people want to think you are like that then fine. Let them. You cant let someone elses words take away your happiness, this is when it comes down to ignorance of people who are uneducated. They don’t know you obviously and don’t know the road you walk on. As long as you know who you are and so does God that’s all that matters. Words can hurt yes, but this is when you need to educate people so they can understand better. But as I said sometimes it does not work and you just need to let it go and know you stood up for yourself. This is just one of the few encounters I have had over the years. I want my children to take part in things, but again I want to protect them as well, I stopped going to the family functions as I was protecting our children from the ignorance of others and to be honest no one really paid them much attention so why should I go?? Just to be there?? To show that I care, I do care but why should I and my children be outcasted because they are not the “perfect” child?? Because they have a temper tantrum because there suffer from sensory overload (I found that out only a few years ago, I knew that was the problem but it takes so long to get assessments done), they can not help who they are, and why they do the things they do. To Barry and I they are Perfect. So in all honestly why would I take part in a family function when you get the “LOOK” or you see others looking and talking, when all your worried about is please dont have a melt down, please behave etc. I have spent so many years trying to get my boys to behave a way that would please others, because of the way I was brought up, and the way one should behave. I realized long ago that I had to stop doing that, stop trying to make my kids behave because really that is not going to happen. Once I realized what I was doing just to please others, I myself became more relaxed, and well I thought these are my kids and if you dont like what happens then dont bother, if you wont take to the time to understand then thats your problem not mine. If you take the time to understand, and educate yourself then sit down with my boys and talk to them, you will learn ALOT. They are amazing kids, they have a great sense of humor, they are funny, loving, caring, kind, helpful, kids. Sure they have there moment BUT dont we all, they just dont know how to deal with it the right way, so what, get to know them and I think you will be surprised 🙂 And always forgive the ones who have been rude, or ignorant as they just dont know. And in order for you to move on you need to forgive that person for there actions.
Remember that Education is the key in order to stop the ridiculed behaviors of others. And to the people who do not understand, Words are a very powerful tool and when you use them the wrong way it can really hurt, Educate yourself before you speak, and remember that lady in the grocery store who’s child in on the floor having a temper tantrum, well it maybe that he or she has a disability. So dont judge when you dont know, we take our children with us for a reason, they need to learn and they have a right to be in society just like you do.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and I really hope who ever ready my blogs that I help in some way, and if you are suffering as well, I am her to help you through it. I have been there and I understand.
God Bless xoxo