We made it :)

Happy New Years Everyone 🙂 We survived another Christmas, I love Christmas but I am glad it’s over, the boys anxiety was awful, poor Tyler could not sleep, Travis was just beside himself, and Brandon was just so excited he could not wait..lol..  We had a low-key morning, and I messed up by letting them open a gift that was what they wanted and well lets just say we had to get them back to open the remainder of their gifts lol… over all the years I should know not to do that LOL.. We went to our dear friend for Christmas dinner and had a lovely time.  Now that its over things are getting back to normal, what ever that is.. I can’t wait for school to start so we can all get back into a routine again.

I had a few moment during the holidays, I lost my Mom in 2010 to cancer, she was my rock, my best friend and I miss her so much.  When we got the diagnoses, I went home to look after her.  She was diagnosed with liver and lung cancer, there was nothing they could do as her liver was full of it.  We figured that was the primary as you could feel and see the tumor that was growing rapidly in her liver.  It was the best 2 months ever, and really she did not suffer.

Her wishes where to stay home, so I stayed to look after her, she was so happy that I was able to be there with her, she said she needed me, and my strength, she told me so may things during that time, she told me that she knew i was strong but not this strong, she told me she wishes she was more like me, I was so overcome with emotions during this time, but I stayed strong for her and my Dad.  I held it all together for them.  Together we wrote her obituary, planed her memorial, she wanted me to sing our song, my song to her, “wind beneath my wings”, we  got everything in order, as that’s the way she was 🙂 We got rid of all her clothing so my Dad would not have to deal with it, we laughed, we cried, we shared, it was amazing.  We had palliative care come to the apartment, and the Doctor from the program as well would come and make visits, we had an awesome team with us which helped a lot, the nurses would share information with me and would show me how to administer her meds, Mom always said my group home training was meant for this moment.

My Husband was awesome, he was home with the kids, looking after everything there, it was hard as i needed him as well, but we both made a sacrifice during this time and thought nothing of it, because he knew that I would be there for my Parents, he always knew that from day one and he was so awesome.  We never thought it would be Mom first, we all joked about it over the years, my Dad always would say things like, Bea when I am gone, Mom would look at him and say where are you going, and we would laugh.

On May 16th 2010, I called Barry and told him it was time he come as Mom did not have much time, she was asked prior if she wanted to be with it or not when the time came, she said no I don’t want to know what is going on, so her wishes where answered with medication and she was with us but not.  Poor Barry I met him downstairs and told him to brace himself as Mom was so skinny and looked not herself.  I think the worst part of it all was after a time when she was still lucid and able to communicate she did not want anyone to come and visit, as she did not want people to see her that way, it was very hard, we asked her on Mothers day why she would not let her sisters come, and she said “I want them to remember me healthy, not like this, I don’t want them to see me this sick” she always thought of others, and I felt it was wrong but we went with what she wanted.  Poor Barry could not belive how much she had changed since he saw her last.  My poor Dad did not know what to do, he had a hard time staying in the apartment, and did not say much, we all knew it was just a matter of time before Mom crossed over.

On May 18, 2010, my Dad when to the funeral home to give them her picture, while he was gone, Barry and I where there with Mom, he got up to go to the washroom and said Lisa you better come here, as I walked over to Mom she had taken her last breath, I held her hand and told her it was ok, and it was time to go, and cried.  We called the nurse who was looking after Mom to tell her she was gone, my Dad came back with my brother, and I told him Mom was gone, I called my Sister and called my Aunts.

I helped the Nurse wash and dress my Mom, I did this because this would be the last thing I would ever do for her, it was like I was in another world, I did the motions but I was really not there, I was still holding it together for my Dad and it was so very hard.  Mom was cremated and we held a memorial for her on May 21st.  I did sing Wind Beneath My Wings, I don’t know how I did but I did.

We left for home the day after, when I got home I broke, I let it all out, I felt that a piece of me left with her, and for 2 years I was in a deep dark place, doing what I needed to do for my family and going with life, but I lost interest in everything I loved to do.  I made myself get out of bed, I still had appointments for the kids and had to deal with all that, it took me a long time to try to get myself back to where I once was.  I lost my Mom, my best friend, my support, I told her EVERYTHING, and I lost it all, I did not know who to turn too, who to confide in, it was so hard, I just could not pull myself out of it.  This past year on Mother’s day 2012, I looked at Barry and I said, I think I am ok, I did not cry as much, I was starting to do more, it really took a toll on me, with all I did for her, and everything I saw, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I did it, and she would not want me like this.  I am slowly pulling out of that dark place, and I am getting myself on track again.  My Mom was the one who knew me and knew everything I have been through in life, so many times I would cry and she would tell me, I know life has not been easy for you, but you have made it through a lot and will get through this as well, I remembered those words and that helped me so much.

Over time I have started to open up to my Dad and now its him I turn too, he listens, he tries to give advice, but I know he is there for me when I need him, and that’s all that matters.  Life is never how we have planed it, I have learned that, I did not ask to be dealt with the cards I have been dealt with, but one thing I do know, is that I feel Blessed, I feel that God chose me for this life, as he knew I could handle it, he knew that I would LOVE my boys unconditional, and I would fight for them, He is the one who knows you inside and out, so if you are going through a lot in your life, remember that this is God’s plan for you, you may not understand it, you may get mad about it, I sure have, I have yelled at Him, I have cursed Him, I have asked WHY, but I know that there is a reason for it, I may not understand at the time, but I know it’s all in His plan, not mine.

You will get through what ever it is your going through, you will survive it, the mountain is steep but once you reach the top, you will see the light and the beginning of something wonderful. I don’t go to church, I use to when we lived in Woodstock, I have not found one here , but I believe in God and a higher power more than we can even comprehend, and He is always with Us no matter if we know it or not, and He loves us unconditionally.